Preferred Pronouns
Your neighbour just moved in; he's a man, but he's wearing a dress and heels. He introduces himself as Susan, and informs you his "pronouns are she/her."
Your child comes home from school with a letter. There is a girl in his class who recently "came out as transgender." The school would like to remind you of the importance of using "correct pronouns" and avoiding "dead-naming."
Your family informs you that your nephew now "identifies as a girl" and "would everyone please show kindness and love to her in this time" by "only referring to her by her new name."
How should we respond?
I will argue that Christians ought not participate in this lie; we must show love by speaking the truth.
Preferred Pronouns
It is increasingly common in our culture to hear about "preferred pronouns." On the internet, some will state their name and add "she/her" or "he/him" to inform everyone the appropriate way to speak of them. Many corporations have begun expecting employees to declare their "pronouns."
The claim our society is making is that "gender identity" is disconnected from any biological reality. You cannot know by looking what someone's gender is. Each person, they say, has the "right" to decide what gender they identify as, so that others can address them "properly". Refusing to use someone's "preferred pronouns" is treated as unloving or hateful.
A "transgender woman" (a man who dresses as a woman) may ask you to use "she" or "her" when speaking about him. Is this common decency? Should we comply?
Beyond this, in an attempt to break down the gender binary, many will adopt other pronouns such as the gender neutral "they." "They/them" is generally reserved in English for the plural, and many conservatives will complain that it is grammatically improper to refer to an individual as "they." But is this true? Most people, without realizing it, will say when in traffic about the person ahead of them, "they just cut me off." Or when asking an expecting mother about her baby, say "Are they a boy or a girl?". A careful search of my own writing, even in this article, will show I occasionally use "they/them" to speak of a singular individual in a gender non-specific way.
However, these cases differ from the case of a transgender person in one significant way. We may use awkward grammar when the sex is unknown, but the sex of the "trans" person is known.
Speaking the Truth
The central question we ought to ask in this is not about grammar, but about truth. Am I speaking the truth, or am I lying? When I am asked to call a woman a man, I am being asked to lie. I am being told that to avoid conflict and keep the peace, I must say what is false: she is a "he". But to be a Christian is to worship and serve the one named Truth; "I am the way, the truth and the life..." (John 14:6). And so, we who Love Christ "put away falsehood" and "speak the truth with his neighbour" (Ephesians 4:25). I cannot participate in a lie, and "bear false witness against my neighbour."
Avoiding Conflict
Is it unloving to provoke people in this way? Wouldn't it just be more kind to capitulate and avoid conflict? In answer, we must understand what "love" truly is. Love is not the avoidance of conflict or the saying of nice words. Imagine a doctor who told his patient "all is well", because his patient would be upset by the news "you need surgery immediately." Only the most hate-filled physician would lie in that way. Instead, love is desiring and working toward the good of your neighbour.
When you meet a transgender person, the most significant, and obvious way they are displaying their rebellion against their Creator is in their attempt to be the opposite sex. To affirm them in this destructive path is to participate in their destruction. That would not be loving. The most loving thing to tell the truth in the hope that God would change their heart. Paul tells us that true Love "does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6).
The desire to be kind and avoid conflict at the expense of truth runs contrary to the example of our Lord, who said,
"If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you..." (John 15:18-20).
Telling the truth will bring hatred, and Christians may risk their careers, but to refuse to give in to lies is always worth it.
Deadnaming
Alongside the question of pronouns is the question of names. When a transgender person changes their "identity," they will often also change their name, choosing a name that is fitting for the opposite sex. When this happens, family, friends, and society are encouraged to immediately accept and use the new name. Utilizing the person's old name is called "deadnaming"; that old name is now considered "dead," and using it is treated as hateful. How should we understand these new names?
It is worth noting that pronouns are different from names. While we should say that it is impossible to change your pronouns, it is legitimately possible to change your name, and many people do.
We know that God changed Abram's name to "Abraham" (Gen 17:5), and Jesus changed "Simon" to "Peter" (John 1:42). My wife changed her last name to mine when we got married. Even apart from the transgender movement, I know people who have legally changed their own name for no better reason than not liking the name their parents gave them.
We should recognize that it is possible for someone to change their name. However, is changing your name to identify as the opposite sex in the same category as these? Are all name changes equal?
Abraham's new name conveyed a truth, given by revelation, that he would be "the father of a multitude of nations" (Gen 17:5). Abraham, using this new name, was acting in faith in the promises of God.
Wives (traditionally) change their last names to communicate their new identity; she has joined the family of her husband, and the two have become one (Gen 2:24). Her name change is meant to communicate that truth, and ought to be commended. Even the man who changes his name, out of preference, is doing something morally neutral. The new name doesn't represent a new identity, but it also does not declare something false. This is no sin.
However, a man who chooses a female name to present himself as though he were a woman, or a woman choosing a male name, is doing it to communicate a lie. This puts the Christian in an interesting position. On the one hand, legally and technically, Frank may now be truly Francine, but should we participate in this lie? Cases like these are more complex and take some wisdom.
Let's take three examples:
1. If you are meeting this person for the first time, and their new name is the only name you are ever told, you may be forced by circumstances to use this new name. This is fine.
2. If at your job, you interact with a client or customer, what name do you record on the account, or make out the receipt to? Again, circumstances dictate you use the legal name given to you.
3. However, if someone whom you know and love says, "It would mean a lot to me if you affirmed my new identity by using this new name," I would advise a Christian not to comply.
For the Sake of Their Conscience
Consider, by way of analogy, Paul's commands concerning eating meat sacrificed to idols. In Corinth, during Paul's day, most meat you found in the marketplace probably came from an animal that had been slaughtered as a sacrifice to a false god. Can a Christian eat this meat? Paul's answer is yes; purchase the meat in the marketplace without question (1 Cor 10:25). The meat itself is safe because idols are fake, and there is only one God (1 Cor 8:4), besides the meat belongs to God anyway (1 Cor 10:25). For the same reason, you may eat at an unbeliever’s house, without being concerned about being infected by demons; eat what they serve, no questions (1 Cor 10:27).
However, argues Paul, the moment your host says "eat this feast, offered unto Zeus, as an act of worship with me" the Christian must abstain (1 Cor 10:28). A believer cannot, in that circumstance, eat because eating would then be an act of worship to a false god. The principal distinction is that while eating meat sacrificed to idols is fine, eating meat BECAUSE it was sacrificed is proclaiming falsehood. You must abstain, not because you would be harmed, but "for the sake of their conscience" (1 Cor 10:29). In general, eating what is served communicates nothing more than your love and companionship with your host. However, eating in this context would communicate that you approve of and participate in the worship of idols.
So also, we should consider the message you communicate when using a "transgender" person's new name. In a business context, the use of the new name may connote nothing more than "the legal name on your account is 'Susan'". But willingly using the new name of your daughter, who wants to be a boy, "affirms" her transition and participates in their lie. If you love her, you will not participate in her destruction.
Maintaining the Relationship
But some Christians will respond, “Isn’t it better to use whichever names and pronouns allow me to maintain a relationship, so that I can be salt and light in her life?”. The problem is that by building your relationship on a lie, you are not communicating the truth of the gospel; you are lying. To be an effective gospel witness, you must not lie about sin. The person you are talking to is in rebellion against God and is in the process of destroying themselves. By lying about what matters most, you aren’t being salt or light, but the opposite (pepper and darkness?). Rather than pointing to the hope of the gospel, you are pointing them away and back to their sin. As someone close whom they care about, and a Christian who represents Christ, you are being the worst possible example in their life.
Instead, my encouragement to the parent, friend, or family member of a “transgender” person is to let her know you love and care for her, you want to continue to speak with her, and that her change in identity will never stop your love. But also let her know that it is because of your love that you cannot affirm her lie. Do not break off the relationship, actively seek to maintain it, knowing that her response is between her and God.
Conclusion
I believe that obedience to God and true love for our neighbour on this topic mean that the Christian must not lie. If someone you know and love begins to hate the way God made them, we are called to love them. Love does not involve participating in their destruction, but gently, compassionately helping them to see that the way God made each one of us is right and good.
